Corazon es lo unico que tengo

Jan´24 Corazon es lo unico que tengo.

My intention is to be an incarnation of joy.

To be gentle.

To allow myself to surrender fully. 

To be in my feminine presence.

I am not a God.

I'm a Goddess. 

I am both.

Today's the day of Mars.

I am Venus.

To be worshipped.

To allow myself to receive.

The thing that I am looking forward to the most every day is my massage. 

It touches me.

I miss human touch.

I miss being held, being loved.

The massage is the only moment when I feel safe to receive touch from someone.

I haven't been able to do that.

My daughter hugs me and that's sweet.

I miss presence of a man in my life. 

Maybe I like women. 

I have no idea.

I’ve never been with a woman.

Maybe I should try. 

I'm not sure.

I am so in love with that person.

Love addiction - love avoidance. 

It's conditioning. 

I love him unconditionally. 

I know because I don´t have to ever see Him again.

This love grows everyday.

I wish for him to be very, very happy.

To do whatever the fuck he wants.

He’s just epic and in every way.

He’s a god.

I was observing him for such a long time.

It was just not possible not to fall in love.

With his eyes.

With every centimeter of his body. 

The way he touches things.

The way he speaks.

The way he enjoys life. 

Nature. 

How he loves his family.

His values are aligned.

He’s loyal and faithful in the most twisted way.

He is.

I miss his touch. 

I do not know how it feels.

Nature knows.

I barely touched him.

It was enough. 

It was the whole moment. 

33 seconds of truth.

Worth everything.

I adopted that pattern.

I am also looking for my truth. 

My truth was with him.

It lasted over a year. 

Every second was the truth. 

It´s three years later. 

Every second continues to be with him.

It continues to be my truth.

I want to get myself out of this.

It's not serving me. 

I've been looking around.

My eyes are open.

Maybe they're closed.

I don't know.

I'm looking for love in other places. 

In other people.

I was looking.

Considering dating men.

Nothing compares to him. 

He set the benchmark really high.

Only God is above him. 

He is God and God is him. 

I'm fucked.

I continue to pray.

There is tradition that says that if you fast for 16 weeks, 16 Mondays in a row…

…in reverence for God Shiva…

…you're gonna receive a good husband.

I cannot fast for 16 Mondays in a row. 

I can't do anything for 16 Mondays in a row. 

I could do yoga for 16 Mondays in a row.

I could read books for 16 Mondays in a row.

Maybe I can make a deal with God Shiva and say:

I'm not going to fast but I'm going to do practice for 16 Mondays in a row.

Maybe he's gonna grant me a good husband.

But I don’t ever want to get married again.

Damn it.

Maybe I'm gonna become a nun and serve the church.

Surrender myself to Jesus.

The only truthful moment in these two years:

The moment of absolute truth

I was singing and my voice took me to Him.

He appeared.

My heart cracked open.

I felt I was home.

I felt I was enough.

I felt that I don't have to be better or worse. 

I don't have to be young and beautiful. 

I don't have to be skinny. 

I don't have to be wealthy or successful. 

I don't have to do anything.

I have to achieve nothing. 

I have to read no books. 

I don't have to dance.

There's nothing I need to do. 

He's always there.

He loves me no matter what. 

I felt like nothing. 

No matter how beautiful my voice is, how pure.

I thought my love was big. 

When I felt his presence I understood I was absolutely nothing.

The magnitude of Divine Presence is so vast and so overwhelming. 

I don't want to say seductive.

It had nothing to do with seduction. 

It was just gratitude.

Human language does not allow to express the feeling that I have felt in that moment.

It was the truth. 

There was another moment, in August last year. 

 I was in Temazcal.

The spirit of a great wild animal came to me.

I was not on any substance.

She came and she was in front of my face. 

In total darkness.

I knew I was home.

I knew she was very dangerous.

I wanted to be her.

I wanted to be with her.

That's why I am here now. 

I decided to follow the fire. 

Corazon es lo unico que tengo.

My heart is the only thing I have. 

There's fire inside of my heart. 

That fire is the reward. 

Let it burn.