Irreplaceable- Himalayas
- viviana.czapracka.gogacz
- Jan 11
- 3 min read
Wednesday
20th of November 2024
And just like that, I am in the Himalayas.
Surya Dev is warming my face after yoga class.
I completed the Kriya sequence, realising that it would be optimal if I did my Kriya prior to Hatha practice.
The food here is incredible, very fresh and tempting.
The property is spectacular and views breathtaking.
I am so happy to be here and there is profound sadness and longing present as well.
Probably Sanskrit has a better word to express it.
Missing The Divine that I know is within me.
I am not sure whether it is a gift or a curse to live in the way that I do.
Traveling to the most beautiful corners of Earth trying to understand myself more and more.
Continuous studies are interrupted by my movement.
Or enhanced.
Hard to say.
I am here and now.
It was my intention to come here.
Where did it originate?
I wonder what would have happened if I wrote that I wish to be back in Egypt.
Shall I form my thoughts on paper so that God knows what is it, that is my true intention.
An idea of jumping around the world?
Am I really following my teacher or am I just feeding my desires?
How can I move in a non-linear way?
I am so happy that I only took one backpack.
Do I wish to travel around India or not to travel at all?
I will study Vedanta.
It looks like I am here to rest and recharge, so I might as well accept it for what it is:
¨In search of the miraculous : version vivi.¨
The gold I am looking for is inside of me.
What is true for me in this moment?
I love the warmth of the sun on my skin.
I truly enjoy food.
Yoga makes me really happy.
Yesterday, I visited the ashram of Swami Rama in Rishikesh and ashram of Kriya Yoga in Rishikesh.
When I sat down in front of my masters, I felt flow of energy, but I did not stay long enough to go deeper and be able to enjoy it.
Driving by the river, I felt pull towards walking on that bridge and observing what happens there.
It seems to be another one of the places like Bali and Ibiza, with big spiritual community.
I am very spoiled, very attached to the comforts of life, not very social.
Thinking about my teacher and all the ways I could impress him with.
I realised that this ¨notenoughness¨ I feel goes much, much deeper than I thought.
Feeling (un)worthy all my life.
Just like my mother and grandmother, I felt very entitled, like life owes me something, because I am so special.
I know that I am but today, I feel shame around some of the behaviours I used to exhibit in the past.
I didn’t know any better.
Today, it is comfort above all.
My attempts of living life of austerity and cave routine are futile.
I eat too much and exercise not enough.
My concentration is poor.
I waste a ton of time procrastinating about what should be done.
I feel more and more gratitude every day for all the blessings coming my way.
At times I wonder: ¨What if I just stayed anywhere? What would have happened if boredom had a chance to kick in, if I just wrote, wrote, wrote no matter what, as long as the pen would glide on paper seamlessly, just as it is doing now¨?
I am falling asleep after very high dose of sugar.
If you walked in here today, I would just smile like it was the most natural thing.
I keep traveling around the world trying to fill the massive hole you're left in my heart.
That emptiness allows for new experiences to enter.
It had to be that way, otherwise it would have been different.
Like The Mother says.
